Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
