Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
