$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
