he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
