I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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