I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
