What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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