Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
