Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
