i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
this will be a night to untag.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
