watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
