I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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