You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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