Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
