what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
