I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
