a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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