Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
