I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
