i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
