There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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