I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm both gender and math confused
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
