ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Randomize