I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
