So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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