Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
