Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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