please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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