how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize