Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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