I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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