Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
