Where did you get a picture of my penis
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
