We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
