aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
