You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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