If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
