He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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