Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I cut my penus on the lid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
