every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
