The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
