she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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