Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
