I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
