there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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