i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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