Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
