I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
