Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
