Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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