i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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