yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
