I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
