I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
