So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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