all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
