if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
