omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize