Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
