I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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