so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
