So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My butt remains clenched, sir.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
